I find it difficult to write this today, especially knowing that many people are making this very mistake. I wish they already understood, but sadly, that is unlikely.
Many have married individuals who are not in love with them. Being in love is not the same as loving someone. Unfortunately, many do not know the difference, even though they can sense that something is missing in their relationship or marriage.
Marriage is a romantic relationship. In fact, it is the only relationship where sex and romance are expected between partners. Romantic love, which some refer to as eros, is a passionate love. It is the spark that ignites sexual attraction and fosters a high level of physical and emotional intimacy between two people.
It is like the key that starts an engine or the match that lights a stove. You can have a car filled with fuel, but without the key to ignite it, the car will not move. Similarly, you can have a stove connected to a gas cylinder, but without a match, there will be no flame and you cannot cook.
You may provide the car or stove with all the fuel they need, such as your dedication, commitment, care, and effort. However, without the spark, you will not achieve the desired outcome.
Agape love, or sacrificial love, can lead someone to care deeply for you, accept you, and prioritise your needs even when it is inconvenient. However, that person may not be romantic, passionate, or emotionally and physically drawn to you. They love you, but they are not in love with you.
In such relationships, even within marriage, you will not experience intensity. There is no strong attraction, excitement, or longing to be close to you physically or sexually.
Many people, especially women, have felt this kind of love at the beginning of a relationship or with the first person they fell in love with. The danger arises when the person they feel strongly attracted to does not reciprocate those feelings. If they move on and marry someone else, they may struggle with sexual intimacy in their marriage. They might love their spouse and show great commitment, but feel little sexual or emotional attraction towards them.
As we all desire lasting relationships and marriages, it is one thing to be married. It is another to be sexually and emotionally fulfilled in that marriage. It is important to marry someone you love and are in love with, and vice versa.
Romantic love alone cannot sustain a marriage. Agape love alone is not enough either. You need both. Sadly, many married individuals are having affairs outside their marriage because romantic love is missing within it.
I hope this piece helps someone preparing for marriage to make the right decision.
In conclusion, "Let her breasts and tender embrace[a] satisfy you. Let her love alone fill you with delight" - Proverbs 5:19 (TLB).
Frank Edem Adofoli known as Counsellor Adofoli, is a renowned Counsellor, Alternative Dispute Resolution (ADR) Practitioner, Conflict Expert, Conference Speaker, Motivator, and Author.
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